For me, Islam was everything. It was like guide or rule book which I refered to whenever I felt stuck with something in my life.
So when I doubted that I had homoerotic feelings, I tried to bury them. I tried to forget that side of me- the fleeting moments of attraction I felt for my male classmates sitting next to me because I knew those feelings were wrong. They were criminal and unislamic.
For the longest time, I buried my queer side to the extent of developing social anxiety. I didn't want to do the wrong thing by expressing myself.
It was only after I left Islam that I felt I could cross the boundaries I set for myself and finally explore my sexuality without the attached guilt. And when I could finally accept my queer self, i felt free, like a huge burden was lifted off of me. I was bi and there was nothing criminal about it.
I had to lose my religion to find myself. And I have no regrets about it.
I am still in closet about my queer and apostate identities. An atheist son and on top of that I am queer, my parents will probably kill themselves after killing me if not disowning me if they find out.
Will I come out to them in the future? Maybe when I am financially independent. For now, I find support in my sister and select friends. I express myself as a queer atheist anonymously on the internet. I am still anxious about actually dating someone because of the fear of being doxxed.
But I've come so far in my journey, I will find a way to grow into my authentic self one day.