So my story of becoming Allah-less is less tragic and more of an eye opener and shot at redemption for me. My family and I weren’t very religious initially. My observance of faith happened only on Fridays for jumma. But Islam took a hold of my mother when she interacted with other muslims and started conditioning me to the same. We started observing prayer 3-4 times a day, read quran and the whole deal. Muslim became my identity even when I had lingering doubts like if I had been born in a hindu or Christian family, would I burn in hellfire for not knowing Allah is the only god? I was firm in my identity such that I would beat up others that offended my religion. I even took up Arabic to understand Quran in school and stopped believing in science completely. I feared hell so much so that, Allah, from a symbol of love, became a dictator that burned people if they went against him. I didn’t want that for myself. I truly feared him.
But as I entered college, I could not escape science and logic as part of the courses I chose I had to embrace facts and proof and evidences which ultimately spilled over to my own belief in religion and I ended up applying scientific and critical thinking to it. My older doubts and new doubts sprang up. Internet and my friends helped me ask the right questions. I ended up asking my questions to a muslim friend who was not only disturbed by hearing my thoughts but also afraid and told me to never air such doubts or allah would burn me. It hit me like a lightening bolt that Allah was ot a symbol of love but fear. That we believed in allah out of that fear- a fear akin to that people feel for tyrants. The realization dawned on me and I left Islam.
I was disgusted with myself. I had done mean things which my religion justified. From shaming my girlfriend for not wearing hijab to not letting her dance on stage even though she was not a Muslim, to beating up a guy for the sole purpose of defending my religion, I have threatened my junior Muslim girls for not wearing hijab in college, I have body shamed and made fun of a college mate who was a closet homosexual. I am trying to forgive myself for all the mean things I have done as well as gaining the courage to actually apologise to the people I hurt when I acted on my so called higher moral ground. I am still in closet but now know Islam is not for me. I try to make my family more rational. I try to live my life as much as I can. Now I know, love is greater than fear and I am awesome without allah.